What if? What if I admit that those two words might just be among the most used words in my vocabulary? Not even in verbal use actually, but I’ve come to find that my brains produce a ridiculous amount of signals which translate into thoughts that start with those two silly, seemingly insignificant, words “what if?”.
Now its hardly a secret that decision making isn’t one of my virtues. In fact, its one of the things I struggle with most, even on a daily basis regarding the most generic decisions. What movie should I watch? What should I have for breakfast? What colour should I paint my nails? Okay maybe that last one isn’t an issue most of the time since; a. My nails are too short & b. in doubt I’d always go for red ;) But you get the point right? I came to hate making decisions and tried to evade them as much as I could. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, there’s some decision in life you can’t hide from and since the current season of my life seems to be all about changes this involves an overwhelming amount of decisions, and even worse, a huge amount of options.
So recently I have been doing a lot of soul-searching and self-analyzing, trying to figure out where I go wrong and that opened up a whole can of worms (Yuk I hate this saying btw, can we make it a can of ladybugs? or butterflies?). Anyway, I found out that I do this thing of going over every single option I have, and then think of as many outcomes (“what if”s) for each option as I can. At first it seems quite logical, I mean I’m just trying to make the most logical, informed and well-thought through decision as possible. But in my case I’m afraid it has developed into this major anxiety about making the wrong decision. What if I do my masters right now and get stuck in a lab for the rest of my life and wake up one day realizing this wasn’t what I wanted from life? What if I don’t do my masters right now, and get sidetracked and end up job-less, face palming myself for not continuing my education right away. What if getting a room in this city means I’ll never leave this country? What if I finally leave this country and regret it later on? What if following my heart instead of my head will get me into trouble? What if I fail? What if people think I’m crazy? What if.. What if I stopped whatiffing?
Lets face it, the future is one big mystery and no amount of whatiffing is going to prepare us for what will come our way. We’re scaring ourselves into a paralyzed state in which we don’t know in which direction to move, and thus stay put. Which was the very thing we were afraid of to begin with. And the strange thing is that we only do this to ourselves. We encourage our friends to go out of their comfort zones and assure them that they’ll be able to handle whatever comes their way. We believe in the adaptability of others yet refuse to trust ourselves. Doesn’t that sound silly? So instead of these worst case scenario what-if’s, I want to try and fill my head with confidence and motivation to do all the silly crazy things that I’m too scared to do. Isn’t that what my 20’s should be all about? About adventures and life-lessons? I sure think so. So lets cross out those what-if’s and in case of doubt use this new motto I found on Pinterest the other day ;)
“I do not fail, I succeed in finding out what does not work”
I don’t know if its just me or if anyone else struggles with this too. How do you make big decisions? Any of you with great decision making skills have any tips and tricks? Let me know what you think in the comments below!
Now enough with the rambling, its time for some red wine, cheese, olives and Audrey Hepburn with mom.